Some people claim that the Winter
Olympics were invented solely to prevent wars from breaking out in northern
Europe in the 20th century. They maintain that if people up in the
northernmost outskirts of the western hemisphere weren’t preoccupied with
gruelling and exhaustive training routines in the long, dark and cold winter
months, they were apt to go stir crazy and do something really silly, like
invading neighbouring countries. Other more sarcastic souls insist that the
only reason why the Winter Olympics games came about was because people wanted
to get a good laugh when listening to non-native English speakers, such as IOC
president Juan Antonio Samaranch, completely bungle the pronunciation of the names
of the various host cities. Many are probably unaware of the origins of the different
winter sport disciplines and how these came to be included in the games, and with
yet another Winter Olympics coming up next year, I figured it would be a good
idea to shed some light on the rich history of the games. What follows is a
true and honest presentation, where the facts have only been changed slightly in
order to guarantee the integrity of this article.
Cross country skiing
This was originally a method of
punishment in 16th century Norway. People caught stealing were given
the option of either going to jail for two years, or to endure a gruelling 5
kilometre cross country ski trip at the height of winter, in the nude. Needless
to say, being fast was of the absolute essence for those who chose the latter
option. In the 20th century this tradition was taken up by the
Norwegian association of cultural masochists, albeit in a slightly different form.
These patriotic self-flagellators, who loved nothing more than to torture themselves
in the cruellest of manners, took to this form of torture like ducks to water.
They also decided, rather wisely, to wear suitable clothing. Eventually cross
country skiing ended up in the winter Olympics, where athletes today can be observed
racing across misty white landscapes on some frozen tundra with drool hanging
like miniature stalactites from their chins. Many of these self-flagellators
collapse of exhaustion and have a look of absolute sheer terror on their faces after
crossing the finishing line. But there is no need for concern, theses athletes
are not scarred for life, nor have they caused irreparable damage to their
bodies. They’ll quickly get back up on their feet, and repeat the masochistic routine
the next day.
Downhill skiing
This too was originally a method
of punishment in 15th century France. Criminals in the Alpine
regions were routinely rounded up, blindfolded, had their arms tied behind
their backs and skis strapped to their feet, before being pushed down a steep
hill dotted with copses and sharp rocks by frustrated villagers who’d had
enough of their criminal antics. Those who were lucky enough to get to the
bottom of the hill in one piece were immediately enlisted into the French army
by desperate army recruiters, who at the time were scouring the nation incessantly
trying to find at least a handful of brave Frenchmen that could help the army ward
off enemy forces lurking at the nation’s borders. This form of downhill skiing was
at the time considered the absolute epitome of bravery, and those who survived it
were treated with the utmost respect. It is believed that the expressions
‘going down hill fast’ and ‘break a leg’ derive from this rather unusual activity.
Today it is widely accepted that there is something seriously wrong with those
individuals who express a strong desire to partake in downhill skiing or
activities like it, and that the poor deluded persons that do should be treated by
trained physiatrists.
Ice hockey
This game was a very popular
pastime in 17th century Sweden. This highly delightful and fun-filled
activity involved rounding up a dozen or so unpopular women from various towns
and villages in Northern Sweden, and position these in the middle of a frozen
lake. A few rats were then let out of a hessian bag and the spectators who had
showed up to watch the festivities could then behold the ensuing mass stampede
for safer ‘shores’. It is probably worth noting that this tradition is widely
believed to be the main reason for Swedish women’s ostensible hatred toward their
male compatriots today. Swedish immigrants eventually brought this hilarious
tradition with them to North America during the great European exodus, where it
was soon picked up by Scottish immigrants, who used it to settle scores between
rival clans. The rats were quickly replaced with a frozen piece of haggis, and the
heavily bearded ginger partakers were given wooden sticks, which they used incessantly
to bash the members of the opposing team, and of course also to push the haggis
off the ice and secure a delicious meal. It’s also worth mentioning that the
NHL franchise was initially established as the National Haggis League, and that
even today one can behold these descendants of Scottish immigrants beat the
living crap out of each other on the ice. The music played during stoppage time
is also a direct remnant of the bagpipe music that was played at these early
haggis battles.
Speed skating
This activity was originally
invented by official ice thickness measurers in Finland in the 19th
century, who were, to put it mildly quite desperate to come up with methods
that would significantly reduce the amount of time they had to spend out on the
ice in the early winter months. It is no exaggeration to say that the invention
of ice skates came as a blessing from above. It was instrumental in trebling
the survival rate for this high-risk profession. It’s also worth noting that Finnish
ice thickness measurers are accredited with having involuntarily invented the extreme
sport of ice bathing. For some peculiar reason ice skating quickly gained
popularity in the Netherlands, where blades were fitted to the underside of the
ridiculously oversized wooden clogs that the Dutch are still walking around in
today, ensuring that the skater would stay afloat even if he/she went through
the ice. Some claim that the reason why ice skating is so popular in the
Netherlands is that it’s the only way for a Dutchman to win a medal in the
Winter Olympics, but then again who knows if that’s true or not, after all we
are talking about a country here that is known exclusively for its tulips,
windmills, dikes, coffee shops and Van Gogh.
Slalom
This activity came about as a direct
result of an English aristocrat’s attempt to ski in a straight line down a
gentle slope in St Moritz, Switzerland in the early 18th century. This
‘mission impossible’, which of course was doomed from the get go, ended in a complete
and utter disaster. The hapless English chap zigzagged like a drunken sailor coming
home from a wet night out in Ibiza, while swaying dangerously from side to side
like an out of control punching ball, much
to the amusement of the local Swiz residents who decided that it actually looked
rather fun. As expected the Englishman eventually took a tumble and managed to
break both legs on a very flat section of the hill. The Swiz decided to adopt
this amusing activity, and today it’s an Olympic discipline. The Swiz have also
taken this technique one step further and invented “political slalom” which
they use extensively to avoid getting into trouble with surrounding nations,
and organizations looking into some of the country’s shall we say rather shady
dealings in the past.
Figure Skating
This activity dates back to 16th
century Germany and was initially intended to be humorous and light-hearted entertainments
aimed at making the diligent, but rather dour Germans laugh and relax a little
bit. The German Association of Mirthful Minstrels was commissioned by the
German emperor to try and elicit some laughs from a conservative Prussian crowd
in the Bavarian region of Germany. The minstrels managed to draw a respectable crowd
in front of a frozen pond in the town square. They then started their comical
act by gliding around on the ice in a very silly manner, doing stupid pirouettes,
falling on their bums and tripping over while telling hilarious jokes in order
to make the crowd laugh. But to their utter dismay they discovered that the
audience did not burst out in laughing whenever they did something stupid, but chose
instead to display placards with numbers from one to ten in order to denote how
funny they thought the various acts were. This was also by the way, the last
time that any official attempts were made at creating venues where Germans
could gather to laugh and let loose. However the sport of figure skating gained
a strong following in the country, and even today many Germans still believe
that the placards held up by the official judges at figure skating events indicate
how funny the judges find the various performances.
Ski jumping
This activity first originated in
Japan and was introduced as an alternative to the age old Japanese tradition of
harakiri, or the act of committing honourable suicide. Austrian merchant
sailors, who at the time kept a heavy presence on the seven seas, are believed
to have been so fascinated with these impressive ski jumps that they decided to
build similar structures in their own country, where they were quickly employed
as defence mechanisms tasked with protecting hillside castles against marauding
savages and drunk Germans. This was accomplished by releasing hundreds of
massive round pieces of cheese from the top of these ski jumps, which then came
crashing down on the aggressors like yellow rain, encasing them in sticky golden
goo. This is also where the word fondue originated. It is rumoured that one of
the Scottish mercenaries who was present on one of those occasions, excitedly
proclaimed that “dat was hard werk, bud it was fun due” which translated into
proper English reads, “That was hard work, but it was fun though”
Luge
This sport was established as a
direct consequence of the unsuccessful attempts by a couple of clumsy Danish
tourist at walking down a slippery hill from their hotel in northern Italy in
the 18th century. The subsequent and highly spectacular crash, which
saw the Danes torpedo into a group of German monks at the bottom of the hill,
is believed to have led to the creation of modern day ten pin bowling. It is
also widely accepted among linguistics that the enormous amounts of snow that
was crammed into the mouths of these unlucky Danes on the way down the hill is to
blame for that particular annoying Danish tradition of talking like you have a
potato stuffed inside your mouth. It’s also worth adding that the lack of
Danish competitors in the winter Olympics is solely due to the fact that Danish
athletes are completely incapable of making their way up the slippery path that
leads to the top of the luge course.
Snowboarding
This is an activity that was invented
by Norwegian youths who were constantly high on magic mushroom, and who failed
to display normal intellectual capabilities in 18th century Norway. In
a desperate attempt to turn these youths around and steer them onto a different
path, it was decided that they should be put to build snow tunnels in the
mountains during the winter months, in order to facilitate travels through
these inhospitable regions. However due to the youths lack of self discipline
and inability to lay off the magic mushrooms, the tunnels were initially built upside
down, which was how the world’s first half pipe came to see the light of day.
The act of sliding up and down the curved sides was nothing but a desperate
attempt by the youths to avoid getting the crap beat out of them by the irate
adults who had initially given them the assignments. When the youths were eventually
caught, they were subjected to the gruesome and cruel punishment of snowboarding,
which of course it the precursor to today’s controversial practice of
water-boarding.
Biathlon
This activity originated in Sweden
in the 19th century, when some bright soul saw the potential in
turning the age old tradition of stallion hunting, in which disgruntled cuckolds
chased after their wives lovers with rifles strapped to their backs into a
spectator sport. It is believed that this tradition was one of the reasons why
so many Swedish males left Sweden at the time and headed for the safer shores
of North America. It is also widely accepted among historians that these armed
and highly unstable husbands would have shot these virile Don Juan’s on site
had they been able to hunt them down. Not surprisingly, biathlon became an extremely
popular sport in the former DDR where it was deemed a patriotic duty by the
country’s ruling elite, who believed that it was an excellent opportunity to disguise
military exercises along the Western Germany border. They also believed that the
country’s strong biathlete community could potentially one day be used to carry
out a massive surprise attack on their western neighbour.
Moguls
This was originally a method of
torture invented by Genghis Khan to intimidate his Chinese counterparts. It
involved pushing captured enemy soldiers down very steep and bumpy hills in the
Himalayas. The concept was introduced in the west in the 19th
century by progressive and very misguided physicians, who believed that the
activity could be used to treat serious cases of whiplash. However they quickly
established that it aggravated the condition rather than alleviate it. In the
early 20th century some foolhardy Canadian cowboys decided that it
would be an excellent idea to introduce this activity as an alternative to traditional
rodeo in isolated villages situated deep inside the Canadian Rockies, where it became
just as popular as the black plague. It’s also worth noting that being pushed
down a steep mogul course while wearing skis, is an official form of punishment
in Canada, hence the Canadians superficial cheerfulness and polite manners. Don’t
be fooled, it is just a charade. On the inside these Canadian’s are nothing but
raging maniacs who are carrying around tons of pent up anger, which they are only
able to suppress due to the constant threat of “Dat dreadid Mougel” punishment.
Curling
More like a practical joke than a
serious sport activity. It first saw the light of day when some cynical Swiz
farmers managed to convince some of their less feebleminded villagers to push thousands
of round pieces of cheeses across a big frozen lake in order to get these
transported to the local marketplace. The act of sweeping the area in front of
the curling stone with a broom dates back to the time when these villagers had
to clear the snow on the ice in order to slide the cheese effortlessly to the
other side. It is rumoured, that even today some of the participants of this
sport actually believe that they are engaging in paid manual labour. The word curling was in the old days used to
describe the method of having less bright villagers “curled around their little
finger” i.e. “wrapped around their little finger”.
And there you have it; a detailed
and comprehensive description of the various disciplines of the winter games. I
hope it has been informative and helpful. And remember, don’t forget to watch
the games in 2014 ;^)
